tHiNkiN' oUt LoUd

They said if you tried soo hard you'll be able to reach your dream.. I thought trying, persevering, doing your best would be enough.. but I was wrong..  Growing up, i really wanted to leave my country to go to the land of milk and honey.. USA.. I can't happen so I tried to go to Canada.. I got pregnant instead.. Gave birth to a preemie who grew up to have mild autism.. I am currently residing in Singapore but dreamt of moving to AU with my family.. But due to my son's condition it was rejected... same goes to other countries.. Thet thought autism will cause medical service costs for their government.. We hit rock bottom.. Well we just have to accept the fact that we were never meant to leave our country of birth.. So i guess not all dreams to come true.. Sometimes it is just a mere dream.. You'd have to wake up and accept reality 

I don't know what to pray.. What to say to God.. He knows my heart.. He knows my pain, my suffering, my disappointment.. He knows how crushed we are... Emotionally, spiritually... Yet we can never ask WHY... We just have to either.. Turn back.. Or move forward and continuously trust Him.. Eventhough I feel that He took away the last straw we've had for our family's breakthrough.. The last hope we've had is shattered just like that... Waiting for soo long yet getting nowhere.. I just want to cry it out.. I can't do anything about it.. We can continue to fight but we have no resources left.. We'll just end up borrowing money again and again..I just felt devastated.. It is sooo hard to let go, move on.. And to cont to trust.. Its sooo hard.. 

Just a few days ago I was raving about how happy I am with my family, feeling loved, feeling good. This morning, we received an answer to our much awaited application. We've been waiting for almost 4 months for the result of our application to obtain a residency in AU. And yes, we've applied family status, so when one fails, the entire family fails. It so happened that they thought our first son doesn't met the health qualification of the state/government. We tried to defend and submitted medico legal and waited 4months for the result, and we've got the dreaded "Visa Refusal" answer in our faces. We've been praying about this application for such a long long time. We were very positive, since our intentions in applying is good and would benefit not just us, but our extended family as well, and its some sort of our way to start anew with our family life, just us, no debts, no financial burdens. But God says "NO" in all caps. All our plans, dr

How would you define happiness?  Is it when you've got everything you need? Money? Fame? Power? I guess it depends on how people look at it. But for me, it is a state where your situation is not the best but you feel the Joy in your heart, thanks be to God. I am not at the best shape, situation and status right now, but I find contentment and happiness with my family. Everytime I see my first son my second son, my husband and my bunso (boy again hehehe) I feel so happy and overjoyed. We've got the worst situation financially, but we get by every month, thanks to loans and other resources that helped us out. Often times I feel frustrated and down and the worries of life ate me alive but then I can still sleep in peace and can feel the joy amidst this trials and testing. I have my God, my Lord Jesus to thank that our health and protection is always His number 1 blessings to me and my family. I am not saying that I am always smiling, happy, glad and worry-free, I just feel so

I'm sooo heart broken.. I let my emotions control me... I got pissed and impatient and hurt my first born baby... And I hate myself for that.. knowing his condition and needs... I still manage to hurt him because of to much anger.. I felt like cold water was poured over me and I ran and hug him tightly and cried. I said sorry several times and I told him I love him.. I love you my son I do.. Sooo much.. but sometimes this mom gets to cranky and impatient please forgive mommy.. It breaks my heart to see you hurt much more knowing I am the reason why you're hurting.. I know you are still young but when you can understand and read.. know that I love you very very much.. You and your brothers are my life line.. May God help mommy to control her temper.. 

I love all my kids.. I remember the first time I've had Corbin, it was not that of a happy news for me.. I was about to leave  to work abroad that time.. but eventually I've accepted the fact that I'm having a baby.. despite all the struggles and sadness and disappointments.  When he was born prematurely I was very sad.. I thought that if this baby dies I would die too.. But thank God He gave us Corbin.  But God is not just good, He is a just God too. One of the consequences of my actions before led to Corbin being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It broke my heart.. but dealt with it and still fighting and dealing with this battle day by day. There are times I want to give up.. but I love him so much to do that. Sometimes because I love him dearly I felt frustrated for the things he cannot understand. We've been struggling and batlling for 4 years now. Still praying for breakthrough for him. He'll be 7 soon..  Lord's mercy be upon him and accelerate his

Whoa.. I can't believe I haven't had time to blog the entire 2013!! heheheh Yes.. mommy duties and work and other activities, plus.. being pregnant again for the third time. It was an unplanned pregnancy.. for 6 yrs calendar method never failed me.. Caleb( 2nd son) is a planned pregnancy so its not counted. But this new baby is not really planned, but it is God's plan. I was not happy about the news at first since my 2nd son was just 9mos old when I got pregnant again. I suddenly became interested because everyone is saying it could be a girl. Which I was planning to have my third pregnancy at least 2-3 yrs after Caleb, but not my will but HIS will be done. This 3rd pregnancy is different from the first, I can feel the morning sickness for the first 4 mos, and I am not that ugly and very minimal discoloration. So everyone thinks I am having a girl this time. I feel that way too. 5th month is my scheduled full scanned, was dismayed, shocked, devastated, sad.. about