tHiNkiN' oUt LoUd

I'm sooo heart broken.. I let my emotions control me... I got pissed and impatient and hurt my first born baby... And I hate myself for that.. knowing his condition and needs... I still manage to hurt him because of to much anger.. I felt like cold water was poured over me and I ran and hug him tightly and cried. I said sorry several times and I told him I love him.. I love you my son I do.. Sooo much.. but sometimes this mom gets to cranky and impatient please forgive mommy.. It breaks my heart to see you hurt much more knowing I am the reason why you're hurting.. I know you are still young but when you can understand and read.. know that I love you very very much.. You and your brothers are my life line.. May God help mommy to control her temper.. 

I love all my kids.. I remember the first time I've had Corbin, it was not that of a happy news for me.. I was about to leave  to work abroad that time.. but eventually I've accepted the fact that I'm having a baby.. despite all the struggles and sadness and disappointments.  When he was born prematurely I was very sad.. I thought that if this baby dies I would die too.. But thank God He gave us Corbin.  But God is not just good, He is a just God too. One of the consequences of my actions before led to Corbin being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. It broke my heart.. but dealt with it and still fighting and dealing with this battle day by day. There are times I want to give up.. but I love him so much to do that. Sometimes because I love him dearly I felt frustrated for the things he cannot understand. We've been struggling and batlling for 4 years now. Still praying for breakthrough for him. He'll be 7 soon..  Lord's mercy be upon him and accelerate his