First day in the month of June

Sitting in front of my pc, doing nothing, browsing friendster and multiply, updating myself about my friends way back, seeing their children, seeing them married, seeing them pregnant, others are already out of the country, while some are still living in the beautiful island of the Philippines...a third-world country with lots of happy people living contentedly...

Philippines....I'm going home this june 11 going back to pinas.. I don't know if I will be happy or be sad about it....I'm a bit happy coz I really do miss pinas, the weather the people and most specially the FOOD!!! But at the same time I am sad that I have to go home, this would only mean that me and my hubby will be separated after 4 months of being together... I don't have a choice do I?? As much as I wanted to stay I can't because I need to give birth in the Philippines for it is so much expensive here... Grabe ang lungkot, I can't bear the pain na maghihiwalay nanaman kami.... it feels like nasugatan ka sa kutsilyo nahiwa tas yun almost magaling na hihiwaan ulet ganun kasi yun feeling nun.. ang hirap talaga, because of that I realize how much my dad and my mom suffered na magkalayo sila sa isa't isa just to give us the best life has to offer and I don't want that to happen again to us. I am hoping and praying to the Lord that He would give us the desires of our hearts... Only the Lord knows.. only in His time..

Right now I am savoring every moment of the remaining days I will be staying here with my hubby, I make it a point we do have alot of bonding moments even if his schedule is too tight, we still manage to talk even a few hours before we sleep.. and if it is his rest day we go out even if we don't buy anything just being together makes it worthwhile..

It's really hard to leave somebody behind and it's even harder for that somebody to be left behind, I guess wala ka naman choice but to accept the fact and bear the pain for some time.

I know it's gonna be hard not just for me but for him as well..specially the fact that I need to leave again after giving birth to work abroad to fulfill the broken promise I have made to my parents... It will be hard for me to leave my son and my husband and work far away, I am still hoping and praying for another option to be able to help my parents but as of now I don't know... Although it is not that 100% guarantee that I will be leaving them, I still feel the pain, just thinking about it... I hate it... I hate the idea..

Everything that happened in my life I tried to plan it but every time I do it always turned out the other way around so this time I don't what to plan or think about anything and just let it be... I don't want to feel another disappointment or another wrong decisions that might cause me to let others suffer again.. I wanted the Lord to plan for me this time, I know if it is His plan it would be the best,and He has greater plans... Right now as I sit here thinking about how many days left before I leave, I can't help but cry... I just keep on comforting myself that I would still see Him again this august but after that what's next?? Should I stay with him or should I go?? I don't know, I will let God decide that for me.. I know its always going to be His will not mine or anybody else's will....